Jared Polis Has Switched Parties

Denver, Colo. — Asked to explain the switch, the Governor cited a confluence of factors: his term was nearly up, his constituents had made clear they did not want him back, and he had concluded that what he needed next was a dumber audience to pander to. Aides confirmed his ambitions are “flexible”: an appointment in the current administration as “Secretary of the Good Ones,” or, failing that, a token Fox News headshot. He has also requested that he now be addressed simply as “Red.”

Governor Jared Polis today clarified that his commutation of Tina Peters was “not a pardon,” drawing what he called a critical distinction:

A pardon forgives the crime. A commutation merely releases the offender early to attempt it again.

Red Polis

The Governor expressed confidence that the public would find this reassuring.

Addressing his recent 89.8% censure by his own party’s central committee, the Governor — a member of that committee — appeared at the meeting with tape over his mouth to protest having been silenced, a statement he delivered on camera, aloud in spirit, at a meeting he chose to attend, using tape he had brought from home in advance.

I have not left my party. My party simply censored me, by which I mean told me I cannot headline the gala.

Red Polis

The Governor wished to emphasize that he “of course disagrees with Ms. Peters’s speech,” characterizing her decision to admit unauthorized individuals into the secured voting-machine room as a form of expression so protected that punishing it warranted, in his assessment, a roughly fifty-percent reduction.

Asked what he would tell Coloradans worried about whether their votes would be counted, the Governor was direct:

If you wanted us to count your vote, you should have bought land in Alamosa twenty years ago.

Red Polis

The portrait of a bald eagle that hangs in the Governor’s office, reached for comment this time, declined to elaborate beyond a single remark:

I’m a metaphor for democracy. I am not, at present, enjoying it.

The bald eagle, Office of the Governor

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Highlights of the New Platform

• Election security redefined as the cherished Colorado tradition of a county clerk personally copying the hard drives
• Free speech expanded to include any speech delivered from inside a server closet you were not authorized to enter
• All felony sentences now subject to a one-time courtesy discount, terms set by polling
• Remorse formally reclassified as optional and, frankly, a little needy
• The Governor reserves the right to remain silent at meetings he attended voluntarily and announced his silence at
• A firm, principled stance on whatever the central committee is least likely to censure by Thursday
• One (1) commemorative flag pin, already on order

Pressed on whether undermining public confidence in elections carries downstream risks for the republic, the Governor conceded that civil unrest and the gradual erosion of democratic legitimacy were “valid concerns,” but noted that continued incarceration is “also kind of a bummer,” and proposed the matter be considered even.

An aide, whose responsibilities now include reading the Governor’s statements aloud on the days he has muzzled himself for emphasis, confirmed that the office remains committed to transparency, accessibility, and a steady supply of tape.

They asked me to do the one thing they have ever asked of me, so I taped my mouth shut and filmed it.

Red Polis

Pressed on where, historically, this sort of thing tends to end, the Governor indicated he was well aware:

I know who the fascists have historically rounded up and gassed first.

Red Polis

He added that he had already taken the necessary precaution.

I want Stephen Miller to know that I’m one of the good ones.

Red Polis

Asked for a guiding principle behind the switch, the Governor offered the following, which we reprint in full because we could not improve on it:

If arsonists tell you they will happily burn your house down the moment you look away, that’s just free speech.

Red Polis

# # #

The end of the statement. There was no statement.